Dear Melissa,
Is there such a thing as a "bad" kid?
I was asked this philosophical question recently by my husband. It is true that there are children who, for one reason or another, tend to get into a lot of trouble at school and therefore are often labeled as "naughty" children. But, my gut feeling is that these kiddos aren’t really bad, they just need help! And, news flash, ALL
kids are naughty sometimes! ALL kids have
periods of testing boundaries.This is normal! So if these children
aren’t “bad”, then why do they act in a manner that so often gets them in trouble? In my opinion, children often act poorly for one of three common reasons.
Common reasons children misbehave:
#1 Misbehavior works.
Kids are often way smarter than
we generally give them credit for. They
are masters at manipulation. From infancy,
they learn that if they cry, they get attention/needs met, and this is a good
thing. This helps the child to feel
loved and secure. But then this behavior
can linger. They know that if they cry
or have a tantrum, this may get them what they want. If they cry for 5 minutes to get the toy at
the store this week, then they will cry 15-20 minutes next week because it works!
How to help:
As a child grows and their ability
to self-sooth and self-regulate improves (along with enhanced language), we need
to teach them different strategies. Crying is no longer the most powerful option. Words have power. Therefore, we need to step
back, ignore the tantrum as much as safely possible, and give the attempts at using calm words.
#2 Demands are too great.
It seems as if every
generation, every decade, & every year, we place more and more demands on young
children. Pacifier gone by 1. Potty trained by 2. Knows letters by 3. Reading by Kindergarten. When do we just let our children play and
explore their environment? This is also when we tend to overextend our preschoolers, are afraid to let our children
play outside, and totally disregard bedtime. It’s no wonder that these little guys are little balls of nerves ready
to explode!
How to help:
This is when we, the adults,
need to closely observe the situation and omit unrealistic demands when
possible.
#3 Misbehavior is a child's coping mechanism to combat unrealistic demands.
This
basically falls under the heading of “Demands are too great”, but I feel like this
point is so important that it needed its own heading. Again, kids are smart, and they know from a
very early age how to manipulate those around them. If we are routinely making demands that are
too great, a very common coping mechanism is for children to act out rather
than to reveal that they can’t perform. So…the
child acts out and gets sent out of the classroom. Problem solved. But the problem is NOT really solved.
How to help:
As adults, we need again to determine
the causes behind these negative
behaviors and work on these causes
before we ever have a hope on fixing these negative behaviors.
Key Question: What is causing the misbehavior?
Here is the million
dollar question: How do you know when it
is a tantrum because “It works,” and how do you know it is a tantrum because
“demands are too great”? As a mom, and as a therapist, I feel that this is the trickiest part! You want to stand firm, set clear boundaries,
and not cave in, but then you start to second-guess yourself and begin to
wonder if you really DID make a request that was too great. And then, sometimes you cave in, and feel
like you made a mistake when you should have stood firm.
Even though this is the area of practice that
I thoroughly enjoy the most, sometimes I feel the need to analyze
with every single meltdown: it works vs unrealistic demands. Sometimes I am right, and
sometimes I am wrong. Hopefully I am
right more often than I am wrong. But at
least it is something that I know I need to evaluate daily in myself, and it is my responsibility to give the child the tools to handle adversity. Does this mean giving in to tantrums? Absolutely NOT! But it does involve fostering the skills they
need to solve problems and communicate effectively so that tantrums are no
longer worth the energy.
What are your thoughts? Are some kids just bad...or are they just misunderstood?
Also, if you have a question you would like me to address in my Weekly Blog,
send it to share@ChildrensTherapyTEAM.com
Resources:
The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, Ross
W. Greene, (2014)
The Sensory Sensitive Child: Practical Solutions for Out of Bounds Behavior, Karen A. Smith and Karen R. Gouze, (2005)
The Out of Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder, Carol Kranowitz, (2006)
